J is for Journey. As if it would have been for anything else.

All things considered, did you really expect this blog to have J stand for anything else BUT journey? Well, maybe journal, which was my original thought, but journal derives from journey, and this blog is all about that so that's where I'm going with it (see what I am doing here? Going...journey...).

I'm not going to get all cliché-like on you and say life isn't about the destination, blah blah blah. That's not what this is all about. But, as before, I am going to get into details about my personal journey in hopes it helps you with yours. That, and this blogging thing not only helps me with my writing but it's damn cathartic.

It's been almost a year since I have started this spiritual growth quest. The path to which I got here is as important as where I am going but I want to focus on recent events. This past month has probably been one of the toughest months I have ever experienced. My heart dog, Maddie, passed away. As I type this I still get choked up. Maddie's journey had come to an end after a bad 24 hours. In my mind, her last day was going to be filled with sun and fun and burgers. Instead it was filled with a 104 fever and tears. As I work through the grief with my Life Coach we discuss how her time here had come to an end because she did what she had to do. She taught me about unconditional love and life and happiness. She helped me through break-ups and moves and bad jobs. However, my journey is still continuing on without her. And it's been really, really tough. Really. And then I met Petey. Petey is a Pitbull who was used as a bait dog in a fighting ring. I saw his smile (can you believe it? After all he's been through, he smiles?!?!) on Facebook one day and knew this was the dog. It was Maddie's smile. Maddie's eyes. And the crazy thing was it was the same exact expression Maddie had that I recently framed. When people tell you that your old dog will find you a new one, they don't lie.

So now Petey and I begin our journey together. And truth be told Maddie and I continue it as well because last week I separated ways with my job. It wasn't unexpected. It wasn't horrible. It was just not right. I recently told a friend that if this job were my boyfriend, I would have broken up with it. So, as with all journeys, the universe led me down a path that I wouldn't have gone down by myself. It took care of me. For what reason I don't know. Clearly because something better is out there. And clearly because I need to bond and be with my new dog. But here's the thing...Maddie sent me Petey because she knew that at this juncture in my journey, I need the comfort of a trusted friend. And she didn't want me to be alone.

I know, I know. This is all sounding a bit hokey. And cult like. I get it. A year ago I would have BA-HAHAHA'ed the hell out of this post. But having traveled down the path I've been on, I can only say that this is truly the way things work. The universe takes care of what you can not. My grandmother used to say, "G-d does for you what you can't do for yourself." So, no matter how you spin it, G-d, the universe, angels, karma...things so happen for a reason (and Petey and I coming together is one of those which I will cover in the next blog post). We all have a journey we are meant to experience. Paths that bring us to places and changes that help us move-on.

I don't know where the next stop on my journey is. I'm not gonna lie, I'm slightly freaked-out. But, I'm also slightly excited. Before all of this exploration I would have never had the tools to get through this kind of "patch." But see, that's how it works...I met the people I have met (my Life Coach, my acupuncturist, Petey) because I needed the tools and love they provide to help me along this journey (have I said this word enough). And what are one of those tools? Well, a journal of course. And what would a J blog post be without a picture of them.

This first one is called "The Scribble Diary" and I love it! I found it at The Getty Museum but
I'm sure you can find it on Amazon. I randomly open to a page and begin to fill in
all the spaces provided. Sometimes I even draw...hence the name of the book. I highly recommend this book. It always makes me feel better and I do it before I go to bed so random thoughts and internal voices aren't keeping me up at night. 

The second one is a blank lined book. This was the first one I bought (and still use) per the advice of my Life Coach. She asked me to buy a book I can keep notes in. To record feelings and thoughts and intentions. I got this one for one reason only, "Stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold."

There are still a lot of blank pages left in this book because I don't use it every day. I only use it when a moment strikes. Which is great. Because I still have a lot of journeying to do.

Oh, and here's Petey. Because how can I not show you how perfect a dog Miss Maddie found for me. 

Love. Sigh. Exhale. Journey on.

K is for Keeping up with Cameron Diaz

There's nothing about Mary here. Just something personal and something life lesson-ish. You've been warned.

I'm 42. Fuck, I'm closer to 50 then I am to 30. Some say I should be freaking out. (Actually, that's putting it generally. People are actually asking me what I am going to do about having a baby as I get older. Chutzpah is not a lost art my friends.) But, I'm not. I'm actually quite calm about it. Maybe it's because I don't "feel" 42 (and I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like) or look 42 (co-worker's words, not mine) or allow myself to believe that 42 is too old. Too old to marry, to have kids, to start a (newish) career, to start over. Well if you know me, you know I have something to say to people who say I am: FUCK YOU.

Well, at least that's what the old me would have said. These days, when people I have't seen in a while ask me inappropriate questions, I'm actually quite calm about it. I used to get upset and respond in a snarky way. Then I would go home and fixate on everything I wasn't accomplishing...according to other people's standards. I let the negative judgements roll over and over in my head until I was so far deep in the rabbit hole. It made for a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of failures in my head, and a lot of expectations to live up to—few of which were my very own.

So yes, this is something I am working on. My life coach gave me worksheets to help me visualize what I want for myself. In love, in work, in life. It's not a one-time worksheet deal. I add to it, I take away from it, I do it over. I get specific and sometimes allow myself to stay general. It's a WIP, just like me. But here's something I noticed while doing this: I've never done ANYTHING like this before. I've never visualized what I wanted. ME.

(if you want me to send you a blank worksheet and some directions on how to get it started, let me know. this is the BEST tool I have ever used)

See, I've never had a wedding planned out in my head. Never had the dream dress picked out for "when." I was playing with blocks and Lincoln Logs not Barbie and Ken go on a honeymoon and make babies. Maybe that had something to do with it, maybe it didn't, but I've never focused on wanting kids or not wanting kids. Being too old or past my prime. Seems I'm in good company...

"I like protecting people, but I was never drawn to being a mother. I have it much easier than any of them. That's just what it is. Doesn't mean life isn't sometimes hard. I'm just what I am. I work on what I am. Right now, I think, things are good for me. I've done a lot. And I don't care anymore." --Cameron Diaz 

Hammer, meet nail head. Thank you Cameron for making it ok to be right where we are at our age.

Right now, even as I figure what it is I want out of life (baby? marriage? career? another dog? all of it?) I'm also perfectly fucking happy right where I am. So, next time you see me, be happy for me. Maybe I don't have what you have but it's ok. There's nothing any of us should feel uncomfortable or unsuccessful about. And truth be told, there never should have been. I am also realizing that those projections were my own and no one else's.

So, I'm climbing out of that hole and I'm liking the view. It's bright here. Open. Endless. Brett Favre isn't courting me, but I'll live. Why? Because I am exactly where I want to be. And to that I say, FUCK YEAH!

(side note: Savannah Guthrie is having her first child at 42. Actually double side note: in my 'life' worksheet I actually have children—yes, plural— I am a very good mama to, and no, they're not the four legged kind ;) )

G is for Gratitude for Miss Maddie. (aka—what I learned from my dog and how grateful I am for the lesson)

If you're my friend on Facebook, follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you well know that Maddie is my dog. If you don't, well now you know, too.

Maddie and I came to be in October of 2001, when she was barely 8 months old. A friend knew I had passed on a dog that was the mix and look I liked, and when she saw a flyer for Maddie, she let me know about her. I have to admit, when I met Maddie I was a bit terrified. She was crazy, A.D.D like, strong and sitting on a coffee table in someone's house. She had never been on a leash, never really walked, never in a car. The fact that she was part Pittbull didn't bother me at all; but that's because I was told she was a Lab/Boxer mix.

I thought a few days about it and decided I can't pass on another dog. And I can't bear to leave her in a home that didn't have time for her. (Looking back I now know the universe aligned for us to be together.)

Oh, and did I mention her name at the time was Suzie-Q, as in the dessert? Sigh...

So, I "adopted" Maddie. It was definitely a learning experience at first. And there were a lot of curve balls; but after a some training, some good walks and short runs, and some great friends to help and advise, we got in sync (not the band—please, I'm too old for that. But wanna talk NKOTB, I'm your girl). After a year together I moved from our home in CO to NYC. People kept asking what I was going to do with my dog. I found that to be such a bizarre question. My answer was always, "What do you do with your children when you move?" So yeah, I knew I had become 'one of those.'

And from that point on I recognized daily the impact Maddie has made on my life.

Recently we have been dealing with Maddie's Cancer. And by we, I mean Maddie and I (see above crazy dog person admission). I've decided to not treat her as she is 13 1/2 and the Chemo is aggressive and the surgery arduous. She was given MAYBE 4 months to live. That was OVER a year ago. I felt like she was invincible. Then this past weekend a tumor in her chest started to bleed. I couldn't tell if it was opening, busting through or what. I tried my best to not think negative thoughts but I lost my shit Sunday morning. I couldn't believe that I was so naive to think Maddie would live forever like this. Or at least another 2 years. And that's when I decided to write this post. It's my letter of gratitude to Maddie. I have learned so much from her that it seems shameful to not share this while she is alive (yes, I know she can't read but when I tell her I did this, she'll be touched).

So, with that being said, here is a list of things I've learned from Miss Maddie (in no particular order):

BE LIKE MADDIE (this is something my life coach and I have determined is a good intention for me to live up to)

• Keep it simple. Too many words muddle the message (note, this does not apply to this blog).
• Eat, sleep, play and love are all you need to live a happy life.
• It's ok to ask for something (in dog speak we call this "beg").
• Begin each day anew (it's crazy that Maddie wakes up as if each day is her first. Excited, eager and ready to please. Her favorite saying is, "Cancer? What Cancer?")
• Speak up. Let someone know when something is bothering you.
• There IS such a thing as unconditional love between 2 non-related beings.
• It's ok to walk up to strangers and say hello. It's also ok to trust your instincts when it is not.
• A long walk everyday is the key.
• A good stretch is a great way to start your day.
• Live life in the present
• Always say sorry. Always forgive.
• Forget about the bad days.
• We all make mistakes. It's ok.
• Be proud of your grey hairs.
• Get outside more.
• Eat with reckless abandon

I used to wish that dogs lived forever. Recently I have come to realize that if they did, we wouldn't appreciate them as much. We have a few short years with them so we soak it all in, love deeply, commit wholeheartedly and accept our differences. Imagine if we applied that thinking to all humans?

Maddie will pass one day. I'll lose it. I'll likely stay in bed for a week. But when that happens I will still be thankful for each and every day we've had together. The good, the bad, the ugly. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

I love my dog. More than I should. And I'm very ok with being one of those. Because she is one of a kind.