D is for We Are All Don Draper

Yes, I know, I've done the letter "D" before but as I stated many blog posts ago, I might repeat the letters as the lessons come in. And what better lesson is there than last night's finale of Mad Men?

We are all Don Draper. And Peggy Olson. And Joan Harris. As I watched the finale of Mad Men I couldn't help but see myself, and my journey in Don Draper, and Peggy Olson and yes, Joan, too.

What I got from last night's finale is that Don finally let go of his past. It has served him, and almost destroyed him, for so many years but to finally detach from what was and become what is is tough, and he had his moment last night. He made peace with all that he had done and decided that he could now move on.

My Life Coach and I work on this a lot. The Robyn I have been, and how she served me, protected me, got me to this point is not the Robyn I am. I am not defined by my past actions or my future endeavors but rather who I am in this one very moment of being. Let me repeat that, my past does not define me at this very moment. And neither does my future. They are all parts of me but not the full me. I am not my failed relationships, my missed opportunities, the next job I don't have yet or the marriage I'm not in right now. I am only who I am at this very moment. Typing away on my laptop, dog on my lap, feeling quite content and ridiculously fortunate to have this moment on a Monday morning to do so. I know this all sounds so very foofy, but it's true. And if Don, the biggest skeptic there is can find his way, so can you. And so can I. 

I wish I had tangible advice on detachment but I don't. My Life Coach and I work on gratitude as way to detach. Thanking my past experiences for getting me to this moment. The good and the bad ones. And we also work on trusting in the unknown for my future. Letting it be an exciting moment, not a anxious one. Why? Because there are no guarantees so why stress over it? Seems so simple, but both are so hard. Hard to thank all the bad things in your life, hard to trust something you can't see or touch. At least for a Type A-er like me. But then again, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to change. 

But Don isn't the only one I see myself in. As a female IN ADVERTISING, I also see a piece of me in Peggy and in Joan. While I wish it was their stunning red hair, it's not. It's their drive, their acceptance of who they are and their ability to go after what they want, even in adverse situations. They are makes and doers and beings. And it was fantastic to watch them grow into the women they became. Peggy let go of her past (her baby) and finally truly accepted it when she shared that moment with Stan. She finally was able to love and realized she is worthy of it, too. Beautiful. She was able to say ok, this is who I am RIGHT NOW. I don't need to be a mother to prove myself. It's ok to have other dreams. What's crazy is even though that show was set over 30 years ago, the reality is still the same. But, I am not here to lecture or inform you on how being a female in advertising has not come a long way, baby. Nope, instead I want the take away to be that people are always struggling with who they want to be versus who they are expected to be. You are not alone in this. I am not alone in this. It's okay to want things but remember, being is way more important. Peggy finally let go of both of those and lived in the moment. And got a boyfriend to boot (I can hear my mother now, "when you're not looking is when you'll meet him. You just never know..." sigh, ok mom!)

And Joan...if she is not determination personified than I don't know what is. Everyone told her no, so many did not take her seriously, but she did and she told herself yes. She believed in herself and loved herself enough to go for what she wanted. My Acupuncturist and Zen Meditation teacher, Dr. Kim, tells us to compliment ourselves 5 times a day. That when we truly love ourselves we do not need approval from anyone else. Joan, thank you for reminding me that.

So, this morning I raise a drink (Zevia—not Coke—hold the Whiskey...for now) to Peggy and Joan and of course, Mr. Draper. To me, while they are all different, they really are just representations of the whole of ourselves. They all live inside of us. Lofty, I know. As we move through this crazy journey of life, know that you are not alone. Whatever judgements or feelings you have, we have all had them. Also know, just like this television series, nothing is permanent. So enjoy it while it is and let go of what you thought it was or will be. As the jingle (the very thought of that word makes me cringe) sings on "I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company...it's the real thing..."

SIDE NOTE: I also loved this series finale because it's all truth...the creative process is painful yet rewarding, the business is down right bonkers and it will drive you crazy but you'll always come back because it's where you belong, we are inspired by everything around us, and yes, people at work hook up. 

Z is for Zac Brown...and other country song lyrics.

Ok, yes, I listen to country music. I never used to but one day when I was freelancing at an agency, the Art Director I was filling in for (she was on maternity leave) had a ton of country songs on her desktop. It became background noise for me and I never gave it much thought. Until I discovered Zac Brown. I loved his music from note one. I hate to sound cliche, but it spoke to me. And not in the drunk sing-a-long kind of way when I first heard him. But as I travel on my own road of discovery, I realize that I connect with people doing the same. Enter, Zac Brown (hell, enter a lot of people but for this purpose, ZB).

Let me back up a bit. For those of you who are new, or have forgotten (since it has been forever since I posted something), last year I wanted to make 2014 the year that I discovered who I really was spiritually, and explored letting go of some of my Type A angst. It's been a crazy ride and in doing so, I've opened myself up to new experiences, new beliefs, new perspectives. And one of those is really listening to people's story. And Zac Brown has an amazing one to tell.

In LA, we do a lot of driving. So, I have a lot of time to listen to Pandora (sorry, not a fan of Spotify). I decided to put Zac Brown down as a channel because it felt right for the drives to and from Mammoth. It matched the landscape. So, as I listened, I learned the words. And as I learned the words, I realized Zac is pretty clued into this whole trusting the universe thing I've been into lately. And, my Life Coach once mentioned to me that as I shift, others around me would shift. Or, if they didn't, I would notice what I didn't like in me—in them, and that i would find people more like me. And she was right. I found Zac. Now, we're not besties or anything. I'm not even a crazy hopeful stalker hoping he'll read this and invite me backstage (or...). I'm just saying, as I change, I find more people like me and it's comforting to know someone else gets it. And put it into words outside of this blog.

As a storyteller I really appreciate the beauty in words and thoughts. And here's a few clips I think you will enjoy.

From Let it Go (not to be confused with Let it Go):

Looking back now on my life I can't say I regret it
And all the places that I ended up not the way Ma woulda had it
But you only get once chance at life to leave your mark upon it
And when a pony he comes riding by you better set your sweet ass on it
You keep your heart above your head and you eyes wide open
So this world can't find a way to leave you cold
And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change

Forgive the ones you can't (forgive not just forget, that's serious stuff people. Be kind to each other, forgiveness is hard but anger is harder)

You gotta let 'em go
Like a sweet sunset in Georgia let it go
And like the fear that grabs ahold ya let it go
Let it go
Let it go

From Quiet Your Mind (which, hello....MEDITATION!)

I feel the change
Goin' on all around me
It's strange
How I'm taken and guided
Where I end up right I'm needed to be (trust the universe. You've heard this from me 25 times now. I know this because this is my 26th post)
Quiet your mind
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride
At the end of the water
A red sun is risin'
And the stars are all goin' away
And if you're too busy talkin'
You're not busy listenin'
To hear what the land has to say

And because I want to show off some of my other country music knowledge, here's one from Darius Rucker (yes, Hootie...he went and got country on you)

For every stoplight I didn't make 
Every chance I did or I didn't take 
All the nights I went too far 
All the girls that broke my heart 
All the doors that I had to close 
All the things I knew but I didn't know 
Thank God for all I missed 
Cause it led me here to This

I didn't understand it way back when 

But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense (echem, 27)

Recently, things have been coming together for me. Like all my past experiences are suddenly making sense. That maybe everything has happened to bring me to this point, in LA, first with Maddie and now with Petey, as a Type A-er redefining what that means, doing what I do. It's kinda cool to see it all come together. And to hear it in harmony is amazing. Is it a coincidence it has happened while I've been searching or is it because I have been searching it has come to me? Yes. 

Maybe I hear what I want to hear, or read into it what I want. Isn't that the beauty of music? Or connections? Or finding our way? Making sense of it all and finding what we have in common? Accepting what we don't? 

So that's my alphabet. My spiritual journey from A-Z. There's so much more out there so don't be surprised when I repeat a letter. I'm just proud of the 26 ways my life has changed thus far. And I hope it has helped you in some way as well. 12-step programs might work for others but for this Type A-er, 26 (plus?) has been the way to go.

UPDATE: I can't count, I have 2 more to go. Repeated letters will have to wait. Lucky you! 

Y is for a Year in review. Because everyone else is doing it.

So, it's that time of year again. Top 10 lists of the best of 2014 this and the worst of 2014 that. Yawn. I know. And I'm about to add to that. With hopefully a little more inspiration and a little less tedium.

2014 has been an interesting year for me for sure. And if you have been following this blog, you've read all about my highs and lows and shifts from typical Type A to atypical Type A, which I guess is Type not A? It's not Type B, that's for sure.

So, in the spirit of end of years lists, I am making one myself. You know I can babble on and on but I'll do my best to keep this digestible. This is more of a path through my spiritual journey but I am hoping you get inspired to try some of these for yourself.

Top 10 things I learned along the way:
1. This first one is of utmost importance to me and my path: TRUST. A Type A-er relies solely on themselves to get shit done. I've come to learn that something else is out there, guiding me. I must trust it has my back. And I also must trust that others do, too. And finally, I have to trust in myself. (the shorter, more general synopsis to this longer point is: things really do happen for a reason, trust in them.)

2. Losing a dog is hard. Very, very hard. But losing the lesson is harder. So make sure you appreciate everything your animal teaches you. They are here until their job is done. Understand that. Embrace it. Let it help you heal. Then, honor them by being the person they always thought you were. (I love my new dog Petey, in a short time he has taught me so much, but I will also miss and have a space in my heart for Miss Maddie and everything she has brought to me—including Petey)

3. Vicoden is not the answer. Neither is Xanax. You read that correctly. I miss them, I won't lie, but there are alternative and healthier options out there. Try them all. It won't kill you, but an OD might.

4. Stay in your best self. Walk away from friendships, relationships, jobs, even conversations that do not serve you. There is no reason you should not be in your best self all the time.

5. Allow for "note to self moments." Meaning, this spiritual thing is a practice for a reason. I've been Robyn for 42 years and it has helped me get to where I am. I need to appreciate that. Changing over night is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, so don't. Allow for mistakes and set backs, bad days and swear words. The change comes when you start to recognize these patterns as opposed to living in them.

6. Thoughts are fleeting. They do not define who you are. They just define a moment in your brain. An inner voice making a judgement. A trick I use when a negative thought or judgement comes into my mind is I speak to it. So yeah, I'm crazy. I say, "oh, that's what fear sounds like" or "that's just worrying, I recognize it." By defusing it's path, it loses it's strength.

Which leads me to 7. Which is the hardest for me to date. LOVE all those feelings and judgements. Let them know that without them, you can't appreciate their opposite. Meaning, I love scarcity because it helps me appreciate abundance. I know. A hard one to wrap your head around (and truth be told I do not love scarcity or fear or worry, but I am trying). Again, it's a practice for a reason. I'm not there yet. I'm a Type A after all.

8. Meditation does make you 10% happier. If not more. Try it. If I can sit quiet for 20-50 minutes, you can too.

9. Before you respond (or in my cases in the past, react) ask yourself "W.A.I.T! = Why Am I Talking?" (here's a bonus acronym: R.A.I.N = Recognize. Accept. Inspect. Neutralize)

10. Be inspired. I hope this blog has helped you as much as it has helped me. Writing it out is truly one of the best forms of therapy. At least it has been for me. Find what inspires you, lifts you, motivates you and go for it. You'll be a lot happier you did, than wishing you didn't try something (well, unless of course it's bungee jumping off a 100 ft bridge with 110ft rope. Don't try that, that's just common sense...)

I'm almost at the end of my alphabet, but I am just beginning my journey. I'll keep posting, fret not. I hope you keep enjoying.

Happy Holidays, New Year and all that jazz.

A too, Brute?: J is for Journey. As if it would have been for any...

A too, Brute?: J is for Journey. As if it would have been for any...: All things considered, did you really expect this blog to have J stand for anything else BUT journey? Well, maybe journal, which was my ori...

J is for Journey. As if it would have been for anything else.

All things considered, did you really expect this blog to have J stand for anything else BUT journey? Well, maybe journal, which was my original thought, but journal derives from journey, and this blog is all about that so that's where I'm going with it (see what I am doing here? Going...journey...).

I'm not going to get all cliché-like on you and say life isn't about the destination, blah blah blah. That's not what this is all about. But, as before, I am going to get into details about my personal journey in hopes it helps you with yours. That, and this blogging thing not only helps me with my writing but it's damn cathartic.

It's been almost a year since I have started this spiritual growth quest. The path to which I got here is as important as where I am going but I want to focus on recent events. This past month has probably been one of the toughest months I have ever experienced. My heart dog, Maddie, passed away. As I type this I still get choked up. Maddie's journey had come to an end after a bad 24 hours. In my mind, her last day was going to be filled with sun and fun and burgers. Instead it was filled with a 104 fever and tears. As I work through the grief with my Life Coach we discuss how her time here had come to an end because she did what she had to do. She taught me about unconditional love and life and happiness. She helped me through break-ups and moves and bad jobs. However, my journey is still continuing on without her. And it's been really, really tough. Really. And then I met Petey. Petey is a Pitbull who was used as a bait dog in a fighting ring. I saw his smile (can you believe it? After all he's been through, he smiles?!?!) on Facebook one day and knew this was the dog. It was Maddie's smile. Maddie's eyes. And the crazy thing was it was the same exact expression Maddie had that I recently framed. When people tell you that your old dog will find you a new one, they don't lie.

So now Petey and I begin our journey together. And truth be told Maddie and I continue it as well because last week I separated ways with my job. It wasn't unexpected. It wasn't horrible. It was just not right. I recently told a friend that if this job were my boyfriend, I would have broken up with it. So, as with all journeys, the universe led me down a path that I wouldn't have gone down by myself. It took care of me. For what reason I don't know. Clearly because something better is out there. And clearly because I need to bond and be with my new dog. But here's the thing...Maddie sent me Petey because she knew that at this juncture in my journey, I need the comfort of a trusted friend. And she didn't want me to be alone.

I know, I know. This is all sounding a bit hokey. And cult like. I get it. A year ago I would have BA-HAHAHA'ed the hell out of this post. But having traveled down the path I've been on, I can only say that this is truly the way things work. The universe takes care of what you can not. My grandmother used to say, "G-d does for you what you can't do for yourself." So, no matter how you spin it, G-d, the universe, angels, karma...things so happen for a reason (and Petey and I coming together is one of those which I will cover in the next blog post). We all have a journey we are meant to experience. Paths that bring us to places and changes that help us move-on.

I don't know where the next stop on my journey is. I'm not gonna lie, I'm slightly freaked-out. But, I'm also slightly excited. Before all of this exploration I would have never had the tools to get through this kind of "patch." But see, that's how it works...I met the people I have met (my Life Coach, my acupuncturist, Petey) because I needed the tools and love they provide to help me along this journey (have I said this word enough). And what are one of those tools? Well, a journal of course. And what would a J blog post be without a picture of them.

This first one is called "The Scribble Diary" and I love it! I found it at The Getty Museum but
I'm sure you can find it on Amazon. I randomly open to a page and begin to fill in
all the spaces provided. Sometimes I even draw...hence the name of the book. I highly recommend this book. It always makes me feel better and I do it before I go to bed so random thoughts and internal voices aren't keeping me up at night. 

The second one is a blank lined book. This was the first one I bought (and still use) per the advice of my Life Coach. She asked me to buy a book I can keep notes in. To record feelings and thoughts and intentions. I got this one for one reason only, "Stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold."

There are still a lot of blank pages left in this book because I don't use it every day. I only use it when a moment strikes. Which is great. Because I still have a lot of journeying to do.

Oh, and here's Petey. Because how can I not show you how perfect a dog Miss Maddie found for me. 

Love. Sigh. Exhale. Journey on.

A is for An Inch. Which is A LOT.

Yes, it's been some time since I have posted and yes, I still have a few more letters to cover off on, but it's been a crazy month. I started a new job, I ended a relationship, I moved, and most importantly, I took some time away from writing. However, by letting go this past month of all the not-so-good in my life, I've made some room for GROWTH. How much? Well, a lot. And it all started with an inch.

This past weekend I went to Mammoth. Outside of it being one of my happy places, it was a very meaningful trip. Last summer I went on a backpacking adventure through the Eastern Sierras. The goal (hey, I'm a Typer A-er, of course there was a goal!)? Summit Middle Pal. However, I didn't make it. Sure I had fun with my friends. Sure I got to almost 13k ft. But I did not hit the summit and to me, that meant I failed. My success was not based on my journey but rather the goal. (And I know you know where I am going with this but I'm going to go there anyway.) Having worked with my Life Coach this whole time, I have come to learn that managing my vision of success means letting go of the end result. So much success was had on that trip last summer but I was too goal-oriented to see it.

Fast forward one year later. I sign up for rock climbing instruction. And not in a gym, but on real rock, in Mammoth. The kind that held me back at Middle Pal. And before I went I spoke to my Life Coach about it. I said this is the skill I need to get me to the summit, but I'm scared about trusting a complete stranger to help me. She reminded me to watch my words, and reframed that statement to be, "I'm curious to see how I work WITH trust on this trip." Then she spoke to me about success. And this isn't the first we've talked about success. What do I see success being? I said, not being afraid of Middle Pal again. Complete each task they give me. Walking away strong and ready. Hello, list maker...

So yeah, that had to be reframed, too. I had to manage my vision of my success. If I didn't get to the top of the rock, I had to be ok with where I got. I had to measure success differently. In baby steps. Or in the case of rock climbing in inches.

And wanna know what? It worked. Sure, I had to remind myself of it, (out loud too, which made me look REALLY insane) but it worked. And I was brave enough to mention this to both my guides. That I not only wanted to work on rock climbing skills, but use it as a tool to help me manage my vision of success and work on my trust. It's amazing how with each step (which felt like miles but was really inches) I felt happier with that one step. And the top, 100 feet above me was no longer the goal. It was actually very liberating to let go of that success marker. And actually, it made it easier to get to the top, as well as listen to the new lessons I was learning. My brain was no longer on "get to the goal" mode. No more rushing to cross this off the list. No more anxiety about failure.

I know it sounds like I've accomplished a lot in a little amount of time but that's not true. This journey has been happening for almost a year now. And continues to happen. And inch by inch I'm growing into the person I want to be. Is that a goal? Sure, but, I'm enjoying the journey much more than I am crossing it off my list.

E is for Emptying the Basket (or as I call it: Conversational Vomit)

Last week was interesting for me, and a lot has happened. However, when I got to my life coach appointment, I found myself spending a good portion of the start of our session talking about bullshit. Inconsequential tidbits that have no bearing on our session (or so I thought...wait for it). Ever do that? Get on the phone with someone or meet up with someone and just start rambling? Like you've been holding in this conversation sooooo long that you were about to burst if you didn't let it out?

Yup. Don't lie.

Well, guess what...there is a term for that. It's called "emptying the basket." And the funny thing is, we all do it yet it bothers us all (usually the world is a mirror...). Especially us Type A-ers whose patience wears thin when we can't check off what WE want to cover on the call (or in the conversation) because someone else is conversationally vomiting.

It really is a practice of patience to let someone else empty their basket. Another thing I have problems with. But, like everything else I am doing, or shall I say, relearning, I am working on it.

Here's a good example (I've tossed and turned on whether or not to use the person involved's real name but decided I love them too much to do it, so...). I speak to an old friend weekly. Sometimes bi-weekly. Every time I get on the phone with them I have to sit through some pretty mundane talk. Gossip mostly, or idle tidbits. I can not even connect with that kind of talk, especially because it's about people I don't even know. They go on and on. I zone out (how rude, I know). Then it's the grocery list or the daily errands. The whole beginning of our conversation I want to scream, or worse, hang up. I've talked about this with my Life Coach and she just laughed and said something to the effect of, "like you just did?" Touché Life Coach, touché. So, we worked on how to approach those weekly conversations. It's simple. WITH LOVE. I need to understand that we all do this. We all want to be heard. Want to be understood. When you approach this kind of situation with love and shift the way you converse, or rather listen, the other person shifts as well, and the conversation can be a beautiful thing. It makes me think of my recent post about being more like Maddie. I use less words. I keep it simple. I'm loyal and I listen. I still roll my eyes here and there but now I catch myself doing it (thank G-D this person does not use FaceTime of Skype). I let the others empty their basket and love them for it anyway. I don't cut them off anymore or say, "my turn" or think "what about me." I make it all about them, which shifts something in me.

So, next time someone vomits all over your phone call or happy hour meet-up, shift your perspective (and if they're really throwing up, shift your position) and let them empty the basket. Love them for it. You'll end up loving yourself for it, too.

K is for Keeping up with Cameron Diaz

There's nothing about Mary here. Just something personal and something life lesson-ish. You've been warned.

I'm 42. Fuck, I'm closer to 50 then I am to 30. Some say I should be freaking out. (Actually, that's putting it generally. People are actually asking me what I am going to do about having a baby as I get older. Chutzpah is not a lost art my friends.) But, I'm not. I'm actually quite calm about it. Maybe it's because I don't "feel" 42 (and I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like) or look 42 (co-worker's words, not mine) or allow myself to believe that 42 is too old. Too old to marry, to have kids, to start a (newish) career, to start over. Well if you know me, you know I have something to say to people who say I am: FUCK YOU.

Well, at least that's what the old me would have said. These days, when people I have't seen in a while ask me inappropriate questions, I'm actually quite calm about it. I used to get upset and respond in a snarky way. Then I would go home and fixate on everything I wasn't accomplishing...according to other people's standards. I let the negative judgements roll over and over in my head until I was so far deep in the rabbit hole. It made for a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of failures in my head, and a lot of expectations to live up to—few of which were my very own.

So yes, this is something I am working on. My life coach gave me worksheets to help me visualize what I want for myself. In love, in work, in life. It's not a one-time worksheet deal. I add to it, I take away from it, I do it over. I get specific and sometimes allow myself to stay general. It's a WIP, just like me. But here's something I noticed while doing this: I've never done ANYTHING like this before. I've never visualized what I wanted. ME.

(if you want me to send you a blank worksheet and some directions on how to get it started, let me know. this is the BEST tool I have ever used)

See, I've never had a wedding planned out in my head. Never had the dream dress picked out for "when." I was playing with blocks and Lincoln Logs not Barbie and Ken go on a honeymoon and make babies. Maybe that had something to do with it, maybe it didn't, but I've never focused on wanting kids or not wanting kids. Being too old or past my prime. Seems I'm in good company...

"I like protecting people, but I was never drawn to being a mother. I have it much easier than any of them. That's just what it is. Doesn't mean life isn't sometimes hard. I'm just what I am. I work on what I am. Right now, I think, things are good for me. I've done a lot. And I don't care anymore." --Cameron Diaz 

Hammer, meet nail head. Thank you Cameron for making it ok to be right where we are at our age.

Right now, even as I figure what it is I want out of life (baby? marriage? career? another dog? all of it?) I'm also perfectly fucking happy right where I am. So, next time you see me, be happy for me. Maybe I don't have what you have but it's ok. There's nothing any of us should feel uncomfortable or unsuccessful about. And truth be told, there never should have been. I am also realizing that those projections were my own and no one else's.

So, I'm climbing out of that hole and I'm liking the view. It's bright here. Open. Endless. Brett Favre isn't courting me, but I'll live. Why? Because I am exactly where I want to be. And to that I say, FUCK YEAH!

(side note: Savannah Guthrie is having her first child at 42. Actually double side note: in my 'life' worksheet I actually have children—yes, plural— I am a very good mama to, and no, they're not the four legged kind ;) )

G is for Gratitude for Miss Maddie. (aka—what I learned from my dog and how grateful I am for the lesson)

If you're my friend on Facebook, follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you well know that Maddie is my dog. If you don't, well now you know, too.

Maddie and I came to be in October of 2001, when she was barely 8 months old. A friend knew I had passed on a dog that was the mix and look I liked, and when she saw a flyer for Maddie, she let me know about her. I have to admit, when I met Maddie I was a bit terrified. She was crazy, A.D.D like, strong and sitting on a coffee table in someone's house. She had never been on a leash, never really walked, never in a car. The fact that she was part Pittbull didn't bother me at all; but that's because I was told she was a Lab/Boxer mix.

I thought a few days about it and decided I can't pass on another dog. And I can't bear to leave her in a home that didn't have time for her. (Looking back I now know the universe aligned for us to be together.)

Oh, and did I mention her name at the time was Suzie-Q, as in the dessert? Sigh...

So, I "adopted" Maddie. It was definitely a learning experience at first. And there were a lot of curve balls; but after a some training, some good walks and short runs, and some great friends to help and advise, we got in sync (not the band—please, I'm too old for that. But wanna talk NKOTB, I'm your girl). After a year together I moved from our home in CO to NYC. People kept asking what I was going to do with my dog. I found that to be such a bizarre question. My answer was always, "What do you do with your children when you move?" So yeah, I knew I had become 'one of those.'

And from that point on I recognized daily the impact Maddie has made on my life.

Recently we have been dealing with Maddie's Cancer. And by we, I mean Maddie and I (see above crazy dog person admission). I've decided to not treat her as she is 13 1/2 and the Chemo is aggressive and the surgery arduous. She was given MAYBE 4 months to live. That was OVER a year ago. I felt like she was invincible. Then this past weekend a tumor in her chest started to bleed. I couldn't tell if it was opening, busting through or what. I tried my best to not think negative thoughts but I lost my shit Sunday morning. I couldn't believe that I was so naive to think Maddie would live forever like this. Or at least another 2 years. And that's when I decided to write this post. It's my letter of gratitude to Maddie. I have learned so much from her that it seems shameful to not share this while she is alive (yes, I know she can't read but when I tell her I did this, she'll be touched).

So, with that being said, here is a list of things I've learned from Miss Maddie (in no particular order):

BE LIKE MADDIE (this is something my life coach and I have determined is a good intention for me to live up to)

• Keep it simple. Too many words muddle the message (note, this does not apply to this blog).
• Eat, sleep, play and love are all you need to live a happy life.
• It's ok to ask for something (in dog speak we call this "beg").
• Begin each day anew (it's crazy that Maddie wakes up as if each day is her first. Excited, eager and ready to please. Her favorite saying is, "Cancer? What Cancer?")
• Speak up. Let someone know when something is bothering you.
• There IS such a thing as unconditional love between 2 non-related beings.
• It's ok to walk up to strangers and say hello. It's also ok to trust your instincts when it is not.
• A long walk everyday is the key.
• A good stretch is a great way to start your day.
• Live life in the present
• Always say sorry. Always forgive.
• Forget about the bad days.
• We all make mistakes. It's ok.
• Be proud of your grey hairs.
• Get outside more.
• Eat with reckless abandon

I used to wish that dogs lived forever. Recently I have come to realize that if they did, we wouldn't appreciate them as much. We have a few short years with them so we soak it all in, love deeply, commit wholeheartedly and accept our differences. Imagine if we applied that thinking to all humans?

Maddie will pass one day. I'll lose it. I'll likely stay in bed for a week. But when that happens I will still be thankful for each and every day we've had together. The good, the bad, the ugly. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

I love my dog. More than I should. And I'm very ok with being one of those. Because she is one of a kind.

Q is for The Queen of Complaints has Abdicated

Ever use the saying "no complaints?" Sure you have. We all have. Ever really mean it? As in REALLY mean it? I can't be too sure I have. I mean who can't find something, anything to complain about?! Heck, that's what blogs started as. Open and social venting. Twitter limits you to 140 characters and Facebook lets you hide those "my life sucks" posts from your friends but how do you stop complaining?

The other day I was reading a friends post on FB. It was long and vengeful and quite uncomfortable to read. But like an accident on the shoulder of the 10 going west, I couldn't look away. And the whole time I kept thinking, "she really needs to talk to someone." Then I thought, how many times have my friends thought that about me? I have spent the better part of my 30s not in a good spiritual place. That's not to say I was mean or deceitful or unhappy. It's just I wasn't fully comfortable and happy with who I was. I complained about my posture, my boyfriend at the time, my weight, my salary (or lack there of), my friends, my enemies, and so on. Pretty much I was consumed with things that weren't quite right. And I got validation when friends agreed with me (as friends do, because we support each other). It was like hating loves company. And it felt AWESOME. How many times have you sat with a friend, complained about another and both feed off of that conversation? Don't answer (you don't have to, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty). Just read on.

Recently I started "prizing" myself. I've also started Metta Meditation. I've mentioned prizing before but I wanted to bring it up again as I think I am finally seeing and feeling the results. Prizing is when you compliment yourself 5 times (or 2 or 20, your call) a day for little things you like about yourself. Could be an outfit you put together or the way you let that a$$hole cut in front of you (see, I'm still me :) ) or how you got up early to spend more time outside. Whatever it is, recognize it, compliment yourself on it and love it. It really does help. And as hokey as it sounds, it helps a lot when you look in a mirror and do it. Sure, you'll look crazy to someone else, but who cares? If that hasn't stopped me now, it sure as hell shouldn't stop you.

But you are not alone in this world. While loving yourself is the most important, wanting the same for others is equally so. That's where Metta comes in. At night, before I go to bed, I pick 3 random (strange even, but not complete strangers) people, myself and one loved one to focus on. I wish them health, an easy journey through life, happiness and safety. It's small but it also works. I didn't believe it at first but after about 2 months of doing this I really do feel a little bit more compassionate towards others. I'm not enlightened by any means but it definitely changes my POV. (Look, I'm still gonna judge, I just hope to do it with a lighter stick. But, if I see you wearing a dress that's really a shirt, I'm gonna make fun of you...then I'll prolly be slightly jealous you're comfortable going out looking like that.)

And here's something else that will happen—and I speak from experience. You're going to feel awfully uncomfortable when others around you start venting or complaining about their life, random things, or other people. You're going to notice who needs to spend a little more time loving things rather than hating. You're also going to recognize in yourself when you fall in that trap. It's crazy but it happens. And every time it does, I prize myself as such because just 6 months ago, before I started this whole wonderful and strange journey, I was the biggest hater of them all and now I see how I am slowly but surely leaving that part of my life behind me.

I wore the Hater Crown for so long there's a ring mark around my head. However, it's time I've stepped down and leave the hating for someone else. And hopefully they will read this and pass over the throne. And maybe, just maybe, the Kingdom of Haters will not have their Queen and we all will live happily ever after—you know, like they all do in "Shrek."

P is for a big ol' cup of perspective.

Recently I have been trying to figure things out. Well, more like trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me. Go full-time, stay freelance, leave SoCal, date more, date less, write, don't write, etc.

But mostly I've been trying not to fret that I don't have all the answers. It's a daily practice to trust and surrender as a Type A-er and to not know the next steps. Sometimes it sends me into a downward spiral, truth be told. And yet, as always, there is something to spring me back.

Enter Natalie. Natalie is a woman I meditate with. She came to our group after a serious bout with a heart condition. She's young. As in half my age. She and her dad come every week and they meditate with us, they smile and she even now works at my Acupuncturist's office, knowing there are other methods that help heal. She is a good person. I'm always very impressed by her maturity and coping mechanisms. I'm pretty sure my 22-year old self would be asking "why me?" and constantly saying "it's not fair!" But not Natalie. SOOOOO impressive.

Last week Natalie told us that the doctor's found something in her heart, again. GULP! They weren't sure what it was but they need to get at it. They've been very honest with her about not knowing what it was and that they aren't sure what the next step is. 22 and she is dealing with something no one at any age should have to deal with. And sure, she's scared, but she's positive. And she keeps on keeping on. Wow.

And here I am, back row of meditation thinking, I'm freaking scared, or maybe a better word is concerned. Worrying about my checking account, my savings account, my retirement funds, when the next gig will come, when will I work again, when will I meet someone and BAM Natalie is dealing with real life issues that need real life love. It's perspective alright. Makes me realize that a) it can be worse b) I don't own all the world's problems and c) it's all relative but I am pretty lucky that all I have to worry about is if the freelance gig I am at will last as long as they say it will. It really put things into place for me.

Perspective is funny like that. You only get it when you need it most. It's like a shot of Espresso or if you're like me and don't drink coffee, a diet soda. Wakes you up from the sleepy haze you've been wandering in not seeing the forest for the trees. My lesson here? drink it all in. Things come to you for a reason. While Natalie suffers, she's come to me to make me realize there's more to life. I just hope something good comes her way as well. Outside of all my good thoughts and compassion.



Note: If you happen to meditate or say prayers or think about people who need good thoughts, please add Natalie to your list. Thank you!

N is for Nightmares. And not on Elm Street.

We all know dreams are our subconscious trying to tell us something, or work something out. Or a product of some pretty awesome drugs, but I digress...

If that's what dreams are, what are nightmares? Well, they are defined as an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically fear or horror but also despair, anxiety and great sadness. Hmmm, well that sounds familiar. I've been anxious though I am trying to be eager. I am fearful though I am trying to trust the universe is looking out for me. I've experienced sadness, as we all get down once in a while. So...I'm having nightmares. Again.

For the past year, ok who am I kidding—3, I have battled with insomnia. Mostly because my mind won't stop working. And partly because I have nightmares; so instead of sleeping and going down that dark corridor, I stay awake. I've learned that I can function for days on end on like 3 hrs of sleep a night. It's a talent, I know. Enter Meditation. When I started meditation and acupuncture I was SO EXCITED to have a few nights in a row of 8 or more hours of sleep SANS NIGHTMARES. And this went on for weeks (ok something to note: when I was training for the marathon I slept like a baby because [I think] I ran the voices out of my head which led me to sleep peacefully. However, I'm old and broken and 3 miles is all I can do now). So when they returned this past week I had to examine what was going on (and I won't lie, they scared the shit out me. Startled. Heart pounding. Sweating kind of terrors). Using the "tools" I've gotten from my Life Coach and Therapist (I saw one for about a year 3 years ago) I dug deeper. Well, I'm anxious about a few jobs I've been interviewing for, I'm fearful nothing will work out and I'll have to leave this beautiful place I call home and I'm sad I'm not in love. There, I said it. These are the issues I am dealing with and truth be told no amount of needles, mediation hours, Moxa, Mugwort or sessions will 'cure' them. However, what they do do (insert Bevis and Butthead laugh here) is help me cope so I can reset so-to-speak, and get on with my day, err, night. 

Look, if you meet anyone who isn't dealing with some sort of issue, and they are happy 100% of the time, please, ask them what drug they are on so we can all buy some. No matter where we are in our life's journey, or in my case, a spiritual one, we are going to hit bumps in the road. It's how we deal with those bumps that define who we are and put a smile on our face. And I am thankful I've had some great healers come into my life to help me do just that.

And that's where I am.

When the practices start to pay off (they are, I'm sleeping again), and the universe does it's thing, the mind slows down and Freddy visits another bedroom. Good, cause I am really liking this working on 8 hours-of-sleep-thing a whole lot more. 

B is for Breaking Up. As in it's hard to do?

Break ups. They S-U-C-K. Or do they?

Sometimes we get dumped. Other times we do the dumping. And once in a blue moon it's an amicable and mutual break-up. However, we only think about break-ups as they apply to romantic relationships. But what about break-ups with your old habits? Mainly, your old self who had those bad habits?

If you are following along, you know what I mean. If you're new, let me bring you up to speed. Recently I have decided to change. Being a hater, being Type A, it's what I knew. It was who I was. Until one day, I didn't want to be this negative ball of goop. So I sought help. I hired a life coach AND started acupuncture (and Yoga, but I've been flirting with that for years). And it's changed me. And for the better. However, lately I have been hitting some speed bumps along the way and I found myself back in the world of hating, like booty calling an ex whom I was never really into but stayed with anyway because hey, he was good to me.

It's not easy breaking up with your old self. Trust me. My old self and I have been through a lot. And she was there for me every step of the way. So when things get tough, I fall back into a relationship with her (ok...me; but for this sake let's keep it third person) because, well, I felt like she was tougher. However, I noticed something this time around. I didn't care much for her anymore. I noticed, and rather quickly, the bad habits that made me want to break up with her in the first place: the screaming, the yelling, the judging, the picking on, the cursing, the excessive horn honking, the plotting and scheming and so on. And here's the good thing, I noticed the habits all by myself. No session with the Life Coach needed. Why, you ask? Because for now, we are broken up. (And it was HARD) See, we had a session recently where some things were said that stuck in my head and got to me and actually had the reverse effect, they made me negative. And it's not the kind of things that "I needed to hear," but the kind of things that made me say, "maybe we are on two different pages right now." So, like any other relationship that has taken a turn in a direction that isn't suitable for me, I took a break. Not sure if it was mutual but she (the Life Coach, not my old self...stay with me here) is ok with it.

And the same goes for me and my old self. We are breaking up, again.

The best part is that I was able to break-up with my old hatin' self with all the tools I have gained, like: trusting and not worrying, asking for help, recognizing what serves me and what doesn't, being ok with transition and most importantly, staying in my best self (we all have definitions/visualization of what that is, I encourage you to write yours down). Ok, really, the most important thing is family but I'll touch upon this this week. And you wanna know something? This time the break up wasn't all that hard to do. So much so, I might even delete my old self from my proverbial mental cell phone. And wanna know something else? I don't think that will be so hard to do after all.

(Note: I will be seeing my Life Coach again. I just need some me time. She is an excellent person and truth be told, sometimes we need people that make us uncomfortable...in a non-hating way. I'll keep you posted on this.)

L is for Life and Lessons and Loss

Be prepared, this one is down right serious...

Just yesterday I got some sad news. A guy I knew (I'd call him a friendly acquaintance) had collapsed and is now in ICU, with his family trying to decide if and when to pull the plug. I don't want to get into the specifics because I want to respect their privacy and because this blog post isn't about the decision of what is living and what isn't and DNRs and all the political BS that surrounds a very difficult and personal decision.

However, what I do want to talk about is the feeling one (me, you, everyone) gets when they hear this sort of news: 'life is too short, don't take anything or anyone for granted.' This is so true, yet how is it that we forget this time and again? How is it that when something like this happens it is then we are reminded to love a little deeper, forgive more often, hug the babies tighter and so on? Why is it we practice these things for a while when a tragedy surrounds us but fall back into our patterns of assuming people know how we feel? It's somewhat sad isn't it?

In meditation we practice not only quieting the voices inside our head but we practice "just being." Meaning, be in the moment with nothing else. Experience that moment for what it is. No tomorrow's no yesterday's no lists of things to do (it's soooo hard for me not to make lists when I meditate, dang Type A hardwiring!), just being in the moment. So, what if we were just in the moment all the time? What if when we saw our friends and loved ones we hugged them tighter ALL THE TIME? Forgave them often and loved them for who they are and let them know it (I repeat, let them know it, including letting yourself know it, too)? What if we didn't wait for a reminder? I'm not saying all of you wait, I'm not saying you don't do these things. All I am saying is what if we took a lesson from loss and meditation and lived in the moment a little more, loved a little more and were just there a lot more so if G-d for bid (poo poo poo, zi, zi, zi) anything happened we don't beat ourselves up for not having done so more often.

Loss teaches us a lot about life. I just hope I can put this lesson to good practice.

** For those affected by our friend's tragedy, I'm thinking of you guys and you are in my thoughts and Metta practices.

R is for Red Lights.

Get your mind out of the gutter. Red lights, not Red Light District.

Good. Now that we got that cleared up...

Ever drive somewhere and you hit practically every single red light there is? It makes you late, you didn't plan for it, you get frustrated and so on. I know you know what I am talking about. As a recovering hater, I remember how this made me feel. I would get so amped up, so pissed off, as if every Urban Planner was laughing at me. It made my mood so negative and me so stressed that by the time I got somewhere I couldn't enjoy anything.

Well, what if I told you this happens when you're going through life? Cause sometimes that's how I feel. That I hit a ton of red lights in my life. Don't feel bad for me, I'm not looking for pity, I'm just trying to point out that sometimes life doesn't go as planned, as a Type A-er, this can be a bitter pill to swallow.

However, in this journey, I'm learning to live with (love is too strong of word for me right now with these damn red lights) the red lights. The acceleration and the sudden stops. The go, go go, stop, stop, stop of everything. A lot of it has to do with meditation. That bitch in my head, Robina (remember her?) has quieted down a lot, or at least for a little bit when I meditate. So I've taken away some of her power (I'm by no means enlightened so that inner narrative keeps running). I've also learned that there is something to be said about a pause. A pause allows you to stop and think and maybe even change direction. Not at all Type A, is it? No and it's quite wonderful. It says (well, to me anyway), trust us, don't go there. So I think, ok, I won't. I'll let it go because while I can control the car I am in (be it actual or metaphysical) I can't control all of the roads I take. (FYI, Dan Harris talks a lot about this in his book; you can control the situation to a point, but not the results. A great read, I highly recommend it!)

My grandmother used to say, "G-d does for you what you can't do for yourself." It's lofty and slightly religious (which is hilarious if you knew my Nanny) but it's also true. The universe is watching out for us somehow. Or at least telling you to stop or go when the time is right.

And as I was writing this, this happened, so there ya go: http://www.twittascope.com/?sign=1

A too, Brute?: T is for Transition. And trust. And temporary.

A too, Brute?: T is for Transition. And trust. And temporary.: I've been struggling with how to approach this subject. Transition. It means change but it also means undergo a process. As a Type A-er,...

T is for Transition. And trust. And temporary.

I've been struggling with how to approach this subject. Transition. It means change but it also means undergo a process. As a Type A-er, change is hard. It's a kink to the system. A change in the plans. I'm not wired for something I didn't set-up myself.

Or am I?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am a freelancer. I didn't choose this position, it was kind of handed to me. And while I don't mind being here, accepting the change is hard. It has made me question myself, my choices, the bigger plan, all of it. So, of course, like everything else in my life these days, I have turned to my spiritual advisors (wait, did I just say that???). And yet again, as always, they both said the say thing.

Enjoy this transition time. Trust it is only temporary and the universe will hand you the next step. Trust. Buddhists say that all things are temporary and to observe them, be mindful of them and let them pass. Observe, do not react. (I'll touch on my experiences with Mindfulness another time.)

Fuck, really? It sounded so good, so believable when I was told it. I recite it every day as one of my daily mantras: "Trust the universe, worry does not serve me." But lately, as I am between gigs (freelance is good and bad, fast and slow), actually, when I'm always between gigs, I kind of freak out. I let my inner judgmental self (I call her Robina) run rampid. And she when she does that, Robina gets bitchy. 

But as I was sitting there, fighting with myself inside my head, something happened (no, I didn't get a job or a gig, not yet anyway), I was invited by a new friend to take a day trip to Antelope Valley to view the Poppy Fields before the peak season is over. Stressed out about not working, I was afraid to miss a day away from my computer but I trusted the universe and left for the day. I started off not liking myself for being so "careless." But once the drive started, Robina got quiet. (I think she was exhausted for talking non-stop and car rides always put her to sleep.) And in one word, the trip was AMAZING! First, I got to know a new friend better, second, I met some really nice women who have similar interests as myself and most importantly, I got outside and enjoyed the very reason why I moved to CA.

If this doesn't help clear the mind, then I don't know what does. With the stress out of my system, I headed to my screenwriting class. And wanna know something, the instructor came up to me after and said I should REALLY consider doing this as my day job. My idea is amazing. He didn't have to say that, but it meant a lot that he did. So, maybe, just maybe, this transition time is for me to finish what I started, my pilot, and not keep it so temporary, like my situation. I like that, I'm going to trust it, too.

F is for the F word...

Flowers. Duh. 

I know, you were thinking, knowing Robyn it's the obvious, and yes, I still drop F-bombs but I am working on not doing that as I need to watch my words :)

So, flowers. What is it about flowers that fits into this whole spiritual journey, you ask? Well, it's more than the cliché of stopping to smell them. Or the color of your glasses. Though both of those clichés have good, well-intended messages...it's really about treating yourself to something beautiful. Because you (and I) deserve it.

Let's look at this way...when someone gets you flowers, be it a significant other, a guest, a friend, a family member, how does it make you feel? Special, right? Because it means someone thought of you. And how do those flowers look? Beautiful, because all flowers are, right? Right. On both accounts. So while it's nice, make that awesome, to get flowers from someone else that say, "hey, you're special to me and I wanted to express that with these beautiful flowers" why on earth is it not as ok to do this for yourself? Poppycock. It's totally ok. And my life coach made me put 'buying fresh flowers' in my tool box. And you want to know something? I LOVE IT! It makes me smile, it makes me feel special, I love the colors it brings to my home, I love that I spend a good portion of my time at the farmers' market trying to decide which flowers to get and which to mix and match. And every once in a while I buy roses. Because a woman deserves them. I know I do. The people who have come into my home and have seen the flowers always ask who got them for me and I'm always so proud to say, "I did. I got them for me." And when I see them smile, I know they get it. (I will be honest here and say the first few times I felt a bit silly admitting I bought myself flowers 'just because' or felt like buying them was a wasted indulgence. I got over that. Fast. As in week 3. They mean too much.)

Actually, a friend once said to me his step-father is very into self help books and that he commented that the one piece of advice he sees over and over is buy yourself some flowers. It will change your day. I didn't even ask about this (hi synchronicity...again!), it just came up in conversation when he was trying to find a way out of a dark place. I mentioned I started buying fresh flowers and it's so crazy how such a small act changes my week. And yes, I bought him flowers the next day. Because doing something nice for someone for no reason is another tool I was given, and I like practicing that, too. So un-hater of me. 

So, go ahead, pick out some flowers. Find a nice vase and sunny area to put them. Celebrate them. If they don't change your mood, that's fine. At least for a brief moment in time you told yourself you deserve these. Because you do. If your inner voice is being an asshole saying "this is silly, they're just flowers," feel free to tell it to Fuck off. It is the battle of the F-words and in my personal struggle (war felt like such a harsh word), flowers are winning.

S is for Synchronicity, Maybe this post is happening for a reason?

No, I am not going to bust into the Police song, though I do love a good Sting tune here and there. No, today I am going to let you know that shit DOES happen for a reason. The universe (or G-d, or karma, or whatever energy source you believe in) has a way of lining things up for you. 

Here's a small, personal example:

One of my life coaching sessions we were talking about how much I LOVE living in SoCal but don't feel I am making the right kind of connections here (personally, not professionally). Pretty much it was the fact that I didn't really feel connected to some of the 'friends' I had made here but I have so few here that I felt I had to hang out with them. Yes, it sounds as sad as it, well, sounds. My Life Coach told me to dump said party and watch how the universe will fill that gap. I was a bit afraid. A friend is a friend is someone to have Sunday Funday with, one down and I'm suddenly solo-ing it. But, I took a leap of faith and did what she suggested. I mean, I was paying serious $$ for this advice, I am in Advertising, I wanted ROI. Out and about on Abbot Kinney, alone I might add, I came across a cute black handbag. I didn't need it, but I bought it (I am a woman after all). I guess you can say it spoke to me (go with me on this). I went home, put my purse belongings in it and headed to dinner with a friend from out of town. As I was sitting at the table, I noticed the woman next to me had the same bag IN BROWN. We laughed over it, exchanged numbers and went out one day. While we aren't the best of friends, it was a start. Because that little synchronicity moment happened, I decided that trusting the Universe has my back might not be a bad thing. Since then other little moments have really led to some wonderful relationships. No, not with a man...not yet anyway (but hey, if you know someone looking, I'm single :) ) And I don't miss the old one(s) at all. Truth isn't always nice. :(

Look, I know surrender is hard for us Type A-ers. We are control freaks after all. But if there is one less thing I have to worry about and one less thing I can trust to someone else, I am willing to pass it on. I cannot carry the weight of my world all the time. It's exhausting! I know you know what I mean. 

Well, needless to say when this little gem showed up in my LinkedIn feed of all places, I was like, "Hi synchronicity! Nice to see you again." (hey, I work from home, I talk to myself a lot, mmmkay?)

Sure, it's title is about success (and this is the S post...see what's happening here?) and it was posted by a recruiter, but really, it applies to success IN LIFE. How do I know this? Because this is the EXACT thing my Life Coach, my Acupuncturist and I work on ALL THE TIME. I practice everything on the left side. Those are my tools. Not sure I would have believed this, or even looked at it say 4 months ago. But knowing what I know now, I can speak to it's validity. Heck, I'm blogging about it! So, I just saved you a lot of money with this chart. Use it. Live by it and when things start to align, and your life feels in sync you can thank me by serenading me with a little Police, and NOT N'Sync. 

C is for Cupping

I am a visual person. No, really. As much as I love to write, I am an Art Director by trade and I use a lot of visuals. So, this blog post will be just that. Why? Because it's true what they say...a picture IS worth a thousand words.

But before I replace the verbal with the visual, I wanted to at least set the stage. 

Yesterday I had an acupuncture appointment. Sometimes I get ART (will touch on this in a later post), sometimes regular needles, sometimes Moxa and sometimes Cupping. I really can't describe it as well as these photos do, but you can learn more about it here and if you scroll to the bottom of that page, it will lead you to the history of Cupping. (Ok, I'll make it easy for you, just click here.)

This is how I spent my Monday morning. And this is way better than any cup of anything to heal what ails you.